Thanks and Giving

I blame it all on Spongebob. Once we let my daughter June, now 7, enter the world of Bikini Bottom when she was 5, she quickly lost interest in her old friends Max and Ruby on Nick, Jr. and forget about Martha, Curious George and Word Girl on PBS Kids. With Spongebob and the others shows on Nick came commercials. Lots of them. If you have children around a certain age, you know what I'm talking about and can probably sing all of the lyrics to the "Dream Light" jingle, too.

"Mommy, can I have..."--"Mommy, I want..."--"Mommy, so and so has..."...the world of commercials wet my daughter's appetite for stuff in a way that I was not quite prepared for. The truth is, our family lives in a generally non-materialistic way. My kids wear hand-me-downs. My plates don't match. Some of our best furniture was left on someone else's front curb. I think of us as Bohemian or maybe Shabby Chic...but ordering toys, dolls and glimmer tattoos advertised on TV is not really part of how we roll.

So how do we busy parents help our children to connect with a feeling of gratitude for all that they have, help them resist the desire to buy more, more, more, and even begin to think about all of the other people out there who are in need of resources? It's definitely not an easy task for most of us adults, let alone our children, given the consumerist culture that surrounds us most of the time.

But what I've discovered in the last few years is that making time for conversations and experiences connected to gratitude is really essential to my children's development. It doesn't mean that my daughter has stopped asking for all that she sees on TV, but it does mean that she is becoming aware of just how lucky she is to have so many things that she wants and that she does have a great capacity for thinking of others.

Here are a few ways that we build the conversation of thanks and giving into our busy lives:

1. Do A Mitzvah: Thankfully, the Jewish tradition has an ancient system that when put into practice helps us move away from thinking only of self to focus on doing for others. Even young children can help you do mitzvot--in fact, our jkidphilly Little Hands Make A Big Difference programs (that take place monthly all over the Greater Philadelphia area) involve young children in making snack bags for people who need food, packing socks or gloves for people who need them, and even making dog toys for pets who live in shelter. Giving your child the experience of doing for others helps him/her to internalize the idea that we all can help each other.
2. Donate: When my daughter wants new things, we initiate a process of looking at her current crop of toys and assessing what she really plays with. Could some toys go to her younger cousin? She has helped me drop off bags of her clothes to a nearby homeless shelter. Giving things away can be really hard for young children. My daughter has made clear to me that her dolls and animals are off limits and so we don't touch them, but instead focus on all of the things that she is willing to share.
3. Save: When birthday money or Hanukkah gelt comes from generous relatives, we love to fill those piggy banks (and some goes in the kids' Tzedekah boxes, too). When a commercial comes on TV with something very desirable, we can check in the piggy bank and see whether there is enough money to make that purchase. Saving helps young children to begin to grasp the abstract concept of money.
4. Reflect: It's as simple as asking some really direct questions when my daughter tells me that she wants something or that so and so has more (toys/clothes/dolls) than she does. I might say Tell me why you would like that new teddy bear when you already have five sitting on your bed...or Do you think that living in a big house makes people happier? Whatever she says, I listen and do not respond with a judgement or sermonize about right/wrong. I just try and create opportunities for her to reflect on "things" and "stuff" after her initial impulse to want more, more, more.
5. Bless: I go back to our Jewish tradition again. It is a really helpful ritual to say a blessing over food with children and to begin conversations about where our food comes from and how fortunate we are to have plenty of food. Blessings can be something special that you do on Friday night or they can become a daily ritual. We have a great jkidphilly program called Our Jewish Home that gives families very helpful resources to learn Shabbat blessings together.

May your season of "thanks" and "giving" be full of blessings and light!
Gabby Kaplan-Mayer,
Program Director for Family Engagement in Center City
and for Special Needs Resources